How I Feel

I have been feeling a whole range of emotions lately. Before we decided to pursue adoption, there were a lot of rough days. Ian was getting older, I never imagined our children would be spaced so far apart! My siblings are spaced a couple years apart and we are very close, and I so wanted Ian to have that; so as the days went by it was hard to see that slipping away. I felt guilty that Ian didn't have siblings, and it stung every time he would ask "why we only have one kid in our house and every one else has lots". There were reminders everywhere too. There were days that I just felt suffocated by images of bulging pregnant bellies and precious little bundles of baby everywhere I looked and it's everything I could do to not just unravel. After we decided to go ahead with the adoption (which looking back, I wished we had gotten to sooner!!), I definitely had a lift in mood. It truly felt like there was a light at the end of the tunnel! That's not to say I don't still have my days, I guess there will always be a part of me that mourns to feel a baby kick within my womb again and there will still be days where I cannot look at an expectant mother without feeling the sting of our infertility. But it's different now.
The waiting is harder than I expected. I thought that once we received the referral that I would feel better. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled and so thankful to have surpassed that hurdle, it's just that now that I have a face, and a name, I find myself thinking so often during the day, what is she doing right now? Is she happy? Is she crying? Do they pick her up right away when she cries? Is she smiling yet? Does she feel loved?
I have been asked by some to relate the feelings about waiting for an adopted child versus waiting for a biological child. The biggest difference is with a biological child, you are never without them. From the moment they are conceived, they are with you. I don't think I gave that a ton of thought before beginning this process, but that is a huge thing! I am having a difficult time accepting the fact that we are not directly involved in the first 10 or so months of our daughters life (think about what a child accomplishes in their first year of life!). The fact that she was created and carried in another woman's belly, she is comforted by other people, she's bonding with other people. There are parts of her life that I cannot control, and there will be a time in the future when I won't have all the answers to her questions. That's a tough pill to swallow.
We have a neighbor who had a baby girl on June 30th, the day before Ana was born. Every time I see her, I can imagine what Ana might be like. Now that Ian has started school, I see them every morning at the bus stop which I have to admit has been fairly difficult for me. It's like a daily slap of reality, "hey girl, look what you are missing!". I have to believe that there is a reason, in her life and in ours that we've been brought together this way. And though I'm still envious of the women I see day to day nursing their newborns or gobbling up big gummy baby smiles, I will try not to think of what I'm missing as the days go by, but of the things that are to come. Imagine what is in store for us, we have two children now!