Girlie Stuff

So, I love to shop. That's no secret to some of you, I know. When Ian was a baby, I had a ball shopping for clothing for him. I loved dressing him like a little man, I became very proficient at finding the best deals at Old Navy and Baby Gap. Shopping for him now is not so fun as...get this....he has an opinion, imagine that! Now we have to search out "slip in" pants and "slip in" shoes (no buttons, ties or fasteners of any kind). This was worse last year, now I am actually getting him to wear other things, including jeans, thank goodness. But still it seems like the boy things are always all the same! So, I have really enjoyed perusing the girls things for a change! We are able to send packages to Ana every 2 months or so, and I have been working on one for a month now (yeah, for those of you that don't know me so well, I'm a perfectionist as well which gets me in a lot of trouble!). There were two empty pages in the "Who Loves Baby" book that I wanted Ian to draw a picture in and he was just not into it. Well, I was about to send it anyways (I've been really getting down on myself for not getting it out sooner!) and I told Ian. He decided this morning that he wanted to send Ana a picture and a letter, and he cut a paper heart out for her as well. It was so sweet and it's those moments that I know he really is happy and excited. I think it's really hard for him to "get it" because there is no permanence. We haven't been able to see or touch her, we just have a photograph and he has mentioned on several occasions that she isn't part of our family yet because she isn't here. How do you explain it all to a 5 year old?

Anyways, our package is complete (I've taken some pictures for you all to see, Ian picked out the doggy) and I'll be off to the post office to mail it in a couple hours. Hopefully within the next few posts we will have some new pictures of our baby girl to share!

Ian's picture started out as a heart but he decided it looks more like frog's eyes. So he added a body and "jumpy legs" to complete it! Okay, I'm off to squeeze all these things into a gallon size ziplock bag now, wish me luck!

Waiting

Well, Monday was the 5 week from referral mark. I have to say I am getting extremely antsy to have new pictures and information on Ana. The first three weeks or so were not bad, but the last two have just been excruciating! When I get to feeling like this, I find myself spending loads of time on the computer, which is probably why I can't seem to catch up on cleaning the house that is falling apart around me. It's like I wander aimlessly from one site to the next, most involving Guatemala....anything Guatemala as if I'll find the answers to my questions! I search for blogs of those also pursuing a Guatemalan adoption and scour them for information on their timelines, but truthfully, the journey is so different for everyone. Sure we all go through the same steps, but the time to complete those steps, and how they were completed are all different. The number of updates, and timing of those updates are all different too. As are the number of trips people take, some even move to Guatemala to foster their child until the legal process is complete and they can come home. Most of the time though, I'm checking my e-mail, hoping that THIS time when I hit the "get messages" button that what I am seeking will magically appear (even though the LAST time I pressed that button was only two and a half minutes ago). So I broke down and e-mailed the agency just to see if there were any updates. While in their eyes there is no news, to me it was something. I was told that our documents have been translated and that our case is in family court. She did go on to say that the DNA results will come directly to our home address, but that the coordinator would probably be faxed the results and might be able to notify us sooner. I don't know if this means DNA has been authorized, performed or what, she didn't indicate anything regarding the timing of that. When you are sitting at home waiting and have no knowledge of what is going on, you just feel like you are at a stand still so it's really nice to hear that things are moving as they should be. I am definitely an instant gratification kind of girl and that most certainly does not lend itself well to the adoption world. Maybe that's why we have been led this way, another lesson to learn!

Daddy Minutes

Greg is away for work and my mum invited us to spend the night last night, which we gladly accepted. Ian had a hard time settling down, partly because it was not his own room and bed, but partly because papa has a knack of getting him riled up in no time flat! We do love you papa, but face the truth, you can bring Ian from calm to chaos just by walking into the room!! Anyways, Ian was out of bed for the I don't know how manyth time, this time wanting to discuss what he wants for his birthday (we were talking about it and obviously he was listening!). I told him he had two minutes to tell us what he wanted and then he needed to go lay down. Now, I didn't time it I'll admit, but let a reasonable amount of time go by before telling him his time was up and it was time to go to bed. He then informed me that he liked "daddy minutes" better because they are longer. I'll have to ask Greg just how long a daddy minute is. Man, this child is destined to never have a sense of time!

As promised...

Well, after I took the pictures I became a little hesitant about posting them, but I promised so here they are:

Am I a germophobe?

Having a boy, I haven't really had to deal all that much with little bums coming in contact with public toilet seats. There's always the fear of the flusher handle (Greg has taught him to flush with his foot) and the mysterious wet floor puddles (and doesn't he always just drop his drawers right down around his ankles nearly coming into contact with them?!) that are enough to make me run, but we are generally spared the horrifying thought of his skin actually coming in contact with the seat. That being said, this was our adventure in the park bathroom facilities today.

We were having a lovely visit at the playground. Ian was having a ball playing with Maya and Ryan, two friends we don't see enough of.

All of a sudden I see him heading for the bathroom, "mumma, I have to go poop!"

Oh man. "Are you absolutely sure you have to go?"

"Yes, I hafta!"

I dragged myself groaning from my spot on the bench and headed toward the bathrooms. We walked in and I surveyed the surroundings, stained concrete floors, the seat is up (Oh gosh, when he came in here to pee earlier he touched the seat!!), there is no soap (and he didn't have soap to wash up after!!), the trash is totally overflowing (he probably touched it!!), and there are three dead bugs in the sink (I choose not to think about his habit of playing in the water that sits in the sink). I don't know if I can do this

"Are you 100% sure this can't wait?"

"I'm sure"

"Okay, well don't touch anything until I've covered the seat!" So I go to work totally enshrouding the toilet seat with paper towels "You're still sure?"

"Yup, but you didn't close the door". I turn around to tell him he can sit down and, Oh my good God.....where are his shoes "Ian Gregory, where are your shoes?!" I think I'm about to faint....

"I always take my shoes off to poop"

"Not here you don't, look at this floor! Yuck yuck yuck get your shoes on your feet!!"

"Okay, here you go, let me lift you on"

"You know mumma, I don't really have to go actually"

"What?"

"Yeah, it went away, can I go play again?" Aye yie yie.......We wash our hands (sans soap remember) and I feel like a goalie trying to stop him from touching every surface on the way out of the room.

Poor Ana, she has no idea what she is getting into!

The Biggest Loser

Okay, it's no secret that I've been at war with my weight for some time. Let's face it, my whole life I've been overweight. Well, I'm sick of fighting and losing (the battle that is!), and I'm ready to take control of my body! A couple months ago my mother's work had a "Biggest Loser" contest. I joined and made it about 4 out of the 12 weeks (not even consecutively). At the end of the contest last week, I had lost a total of 8.8 pounds. Not bad, but not because I've been really good, I'd been climbing back up in pounds since I fell off the wagon a few weeks before that. I think since then, I've even added another couple pounds on top of that. Well, this Thursday marks the start of another round of "The Biggest Loser" and I am once again taking it on. I am hoping that by announcing my intentions here I'll be more driven to stay on track. I will post a picture every week and hopefully will begin to see my progress and keep myself motivated. Oh boy, now I'm imagining my brother saying "You can dooo eeeeettt!", and you know what? I can. Stay tuned...

How I Feel

I have been feeling a whole range of emotions lately. Before we decided to pursue adoption, there were a lot of rough days. Ian was getting older, I never imagined our children would be spaced so far apart! My siblings are spaced a couple years apart and we are very close, and I so wanted Ian to have that; so as the days went by it was hard to see that slipping away. I felt guilty that Ian didn't have siblings, and it stung every time he would ask "why we only have one kid in our house and every one else has lots". There were reminders everywhere too. There were days that I just felt suffocated by images of bulging pregnant bellies and precious little bundles of baby everywhere I looked and it's everything I could do to not just unravel. After we decided to go ahead with the adoption (which looking back, I wished we had gotten to sooner!!), I definitely had a lift in mood. It truly felt like there was a light at the end of the tunnel! That's not to say I don't still have my days, I guess there will always be a part of me that mourns to feel a baby kick within my womb again and there will still be days where I cannot look at an expectant mother without feeling the sting of our infertility. But it's different now.
The waiting is harder than I expected. I thought that once we received the referral that I would feel better. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled and so thankful to have surpassed that hurdle, it's just that now that I have a face, and a name, I find myself thinking so often during the day, what is she doing right now? Is she happy? Is she crying? Do they pick her up right away when she cries? Is she smiling yet? Does she feel loved?
I have been asked by some to relate the feelings about waiting for an adopted child versus waiting for a biological child. The biggest difference is with a biological child, you are never without them. From the moment they are conceived, they are with you. I don't think I gave that a ton of thought before beginning this process, but that is a huge thing! I am having a difficult time accepting the fact that we are not directly involved in the first 10 or so months of our daughters life (think about what a child accomplishes in their first year of life!). The fact that she was created and carried in another woman's belly, she is comforted by other people, she's bonding with other people. There are parts of her life that I cannot control, and there will be a time in the future when I won't have all the answers to her questions. That's a tough pill to swallow.
We have a neighbor who had a baby girl on June 30th, the day before Ana was born. Every time I see her, I can imagine what Ana might be like. Now that Ian has started school, I see them every morning at the bus stop which I have to admit has been fairly difficult for me. It's like a daily slap of reality, "hey girl, look what you are missing!". I have to believe that there is a reason, in her life and in ours that we've been brought together this way. And though I'm still envious of the women I see day to day nursing their newborns or gobbling up big gummy baby smiles, I will try not to think of what I'm missing as the days go by, but of the things that are to come. Imagine what is in store for us, we have two children now!