Disbelief

First of all, I want to thank everyone for your kind words and well wishes. I think I'm still in a little bit of shock honestly! We found out last Friday, I just took a random pregnancy test; don't know why, just passed the display, and decided to pick one up! When I did the test at home, the first thought through my mind was, "stupid cheapie Wal-Mart pregnancy tests!", even though I knew it was doubtful it was a false positive. Anyways, to make a long story short, I ended up taking two more different brand tests over the weekend, and got the same result so I called the doctor. I went in for bloodwork on Monday and Wednesday to see if my HCG levels were doubling as they should be in a normal pregnancy, and to my complete amazement, the bloodwork looked good!

This is so strange for me. Infertility and miscarriage plays with your mind in so many ways. I feel like I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop because in my mind, my body is broken in it's compatibility with conception; and even a positive pregnancy test isn't confirmation because the last time I got pregnant, it ended in miscarriage (we think it was an ectopic actually, to further my disbelief that my body can actually get things in the right place). At any rate, I'm choosing to have a cautiously optimistic outlook about this. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled beyond belief at this possibility, I just can't shake the fear yet. I don't think I will be in full belief until I see or hear that little heart beating inside me.

So, I have another blood draw on Wednesday, we'll see what that tells us. They believe I'm about 5-6 weeks along at this point, and I am having a few symptoms such as a little fatigue, and my breasts are pretty sore so that's a good sign I think. I don't remember feeling any nausea with Ian until I was about 7 or 8 weeks, so we're holding out for it (is it bad to be looking forward to that?). I know that whatever happens, it's part of God's plan. I have felt in my heart for a while now though, even though I was afraid to admit it that there was another birthed child in our future. I will also admit that I believe there is another child not birthed by us out there that is meant for our family. Only time will tell...