Still Nothing to Report...

This has been by far the hardest part of the process. I feel like we are in an information black hole. I do a lot of surfing of other blogs and forums and see so many people who got out of PGN after us (sometimes more than 2 weeks after!) getting their pink slips (their embassy appointment) already. It's just killing me to still be in the dark! I was told that the town Ana was born in has no problems with issuing birth certificates but it seems like that could be the only thing we are waiting for at this point. I have to assume that the final adoption decree making Ana legally our daughter has been signed (we were told we would hear if there was trouble locating the birth mom). I hate that she is legally ours yet still the weeks are passing without her being with us! I'm trying to be patient, really I am! I think I'd be better if we just knew where in the process we are! I'm trying to understand that the attorneys are undoubtedly crazy busy with the registering of all their cases to the Central Authority, today is the last day for that to happen. Our agency says that their attorneys have successfully registered all of their cases so that's fabulous news for all those families who have been in limbo waiting to get back into PGN. Hopefully now that that is done we'll hear something on our case by the end of the week. Please, please, please let us hear something...Thursday will be 5 weeks in the dark and I just want my little girl home!

Opinion Time

Okay folks, I need an opinion. Now that we have to start filling out paper work that requires Ana's full name I suppose we should figure out what her middle name is going to be. When I was pregnant with Ian, we had picked out boys and girls names. There were several girls names we (well at least I) liked. We had agreed though that her middle name would be Michelle after my sister. When we knew we were going to be adopting a little girl, we had initially thought we would name her Lily, and make her name given at birth her middle name. Then we received our referral, and of course her given name was Ana which we both really liked. Our only concern with Ana (pronounced Ah-na) was with the probability that many would Americanize the pronunciation (more like Anna) and she would have to constantly correct people, so we started thinking about naming her Lily Ana, which we both adored but there was still that pull to keeping her birth name as it was given to her (she was not given a middle name in case you were wondering). We eventually decided, largely because time had passed and we knew she was likely getting used to hearing her name as Ana, to go with Ana. Okay so fast forward to today, really doing some thinking about her middle name. Part of me wants to give her a middle name that incorporates both of her families. Her birth mother's middle name is Azucena which is different, I like it but it would never be pronounced correctly and Greg expressed a concern over spelling issues (he's dyslexic in case you weren't aware). I did a search on the meaning of this name and my jaw hit the table with what I read. Would you believe that Azucena means lily?! I am now sure that this is more than a coincidence and that Lily has to be incorporated some how. So, now we have some combination of Ana and Lily. But I also wanted to give her a name that has meaning from our family as well. Some have suggested I use my own name, Camilla, then she would have a name incorporating both of her mothers. Then I keep going back to the fact that if she had been a child born to me, she would probably have received the middle name Michelle. Oh, and sneaking that Lily in as the first name still creeps up on me but she's been called Ana for 7 months now so I don't know (would Liliana sound close enough for her?). So! Here's the variations that we have considered. I would love any input you may have!

Ana Lily Camilla

Liliana Camilla
Ana Lily Michele
Liliana Michele

What's your vote?!

Some Perspective

As we begin to prepare to bring Ana home, I have been doing some more thinking about what to expect with regards to attachment and bonding. I'm going to start sharing some information on this subject and on our plans when Ana comes home to do everything we can to help her adjust to her new family. I'm hoping it will help our loved ones understand just why we intend to do what we do. It's hard to understand what a child goes through when she is separated from her birth mother, placed in temporary care, then transitioned to a permanent home. I thought this analogy taken from www.a4everfamily.org was a good place to start. I will warn you, it is very long.

A Different Perspective
Immense Loss, Walk a Mile in Babies' Booties

Imagine for a moment…

You have met the person you've dreamed about all your life. He has every quality that you desire in a spouse. You plan for the wedding, enjoying every free moment with your fiancée. You love his touch, his smell, the way he looks into your eyes. For the first time in your life, you understand what is meant by "soul mate," for this person understands you in a way that no one else does. Your heart beats in rhythm with his. Your emotions are intimately tied to his every joy, his every sorrow.

The wedding comes. It is a happy celebration, but the best part is that you are finally the wife of this wonderful man. You fall asleep that night, exhausted from the day's events, but relaxed and joyful in the knowledge that you are next to the person who loves you more than anyone in the world…the person who will be with you for the rest of your life.

The next morning you wake up, nestled in your partner's arms. You open your eyes and immediately look for his face.

But IT'S NOT HIM! You are in the arms of another man. You recoil in horror. Who is this man? Where is your beloved?

You ask questions of the new man, but it quickly becomes apparent that he doesn't understand you. You search every room in the house, calling and calling for your husband. The new guy follows you around, trying to hug you, pat you on the back,...even trying to stroke your arm, acting like everything is okay.

But you know that nothing is okay. Your beloved is gone. Where is he? Will he return? When? What has happened to him?

Weeks pass. You cry and cry over the loss of your beloved. Sometimes you ache silently, in shock over what has happened. The new guy tries to comfort you. You appreciate his attempts, but he doesn't speak your language-either verbally or emotionally. He doesn't seem to realize the terrible thing that has happened...that your sweetheart is gone.

You find it difficult to sleep. The new guy tries to comfort you at bedtime with soft words and gentle touches, but you avoid him, preferring to sleep alone, away from him and any intimate words or contact.

Months later, you still ache for your beloved, but gradually you are learning to trust this new guy. He's finally learned that you like your coffee black, not doctored up with cream and sugar. Although you still don't understand his bedtime songs, you like the lilt of his voice and take some comfort in it.

More time passes. One morning, you wake up to find a full suitcase sitting next to the front door. You try to ask him about it, but he just takes you by the hand and leads you to the car. You drive and drive and drive. Nothing is familiar. Where are you? Where is he taking you?

You pull up to a large building. He leads you to an elevator and up to a room filled with people. Many are crying. Some are ecstatic with joy. You are confused. And worried.

The man leads you over to the corner. Another man opens his arms and sweeps you up in an embrace. He rubs your back and kisses your cheeks, obviously thrilled to see you.

You are anything but thrilled to see him. Who in the world is he? Where is your beloved? You reach for the man who brought you, but he just smiles (although he seems to be tearing up, which concerns you), pats you on the back, and puts your hand in the hands of the new guy. The new guy picks up your suitcase and leads you to the door. The familiar face starts openly crying, waving and waving as the elevator doors close on you and the new guy.

The new guy drives you to an airport and you follow him, not knowing what else to do. Sometimes you cry, but then the new guy tries to make you smile, so you grin back, wanting to "get along." You board a plane. The flight is long. You sleep a lot, wanting to mentally escape from the situation.

Hours later, the plane touches down. The new guy is very excited and leads you into the airport where dozens of people are there to greet you. Light bulbs flash as your photo is taken again and again. The new guy takes you to another guy who hugs you. Who is this one? You smile at him. Then you are taken to another man who pats your back and kisses your cheek. Then yet another fellow gives you a big hug and messes your hair.

Finally, someone (which guy is this?) pulls you into his arms with the biggest hug you've ever had. He kisses you all over your cheeks and croons to you in some language you've never heard before.

He leads you to a car and drives you to another location. Everything here looks different. The climate is not what you're used to. The smells are strange. Nothing tastes familiar, except for the black coffee. You wonder if someone told him that you like your coffee black.

You find it nearly impossible to sleep. Sometimes you lie in bed for hours, staring into the blackness, furious with your husband for leaving you, yet aching from the loss. The new guy checks on you. He seems concerned and tries to comfort you with soft words and a mug of warm milk. You turn away, pretending to go to asleep.

People come to the house. You can feel the anxiety start to bubble over as you look into the faces of all the new people. You tightly grasp the new guy's hand. He pulls you closer. People smile and nudge one other, marveling at how quickly you've fallen in love. Strangers reach for you, wanting to be a part of the happiness.

Each time a man hugs you, you wonder if he will be the one to take you away. Just in case, you keep your suitcase packed and ready. Although the man at this house is nice and you're hanging on for dear life, you've learned from experience that men come and go, so you just wait in expectation for the next one to come along.

Each morning, the new guy hands you a cup of coffee and looks at you expectantly. A couple of times the pain and anger for your husband is so great that you lash out, sending hot coffee across the room, causing the new guy to yelp in pain. He just looks at you, bewildered. But most of the time you calmly take the cup. You give him a smile. And wait. And wait. And wait.

--Written by Cynthia Hockman-Chupp, analogy courtesy of Dr. Kali Miller

Ready for This Again!

We've been going through old files on the computer lately and Greg came across these old clips of Ian singing. He must have been about 2 when these were done. Sometimes it's hard to remember he was ever this little! I am so ready to have a toddler in the house again!

My Invention

Ian will be having his second piano recital on Friday night. I never did post the video of his first one, so I thought I would finally share it! Hopefully I'll be faster with the next one! The name of his first recital piece was "My Invention", video creation by Greg...

Just Waiting...

If you are wondering what the heck is going on with us, I can answer "not much!". We are just waiting here. I can share our latest medical update though. At 6 months, Ana was 14 pounds 12 ounces, and she was 25 inches long! She seems to be following the same growth curve, so I'm pleased! We have been out of PGN for three weeks now, but haven't heard anything. Our agency told us we wouldn't be likely to hear anything until the second DNA is authorized. Now this of course didn't stop Greg and I from calling to see if we could get any information in the meantime! We were told that no news is good news, and that we could assume things were plugging along as they should be. We are told we can assume that the final adoption decree has been signed, and that the birth certificate is being pursued. This has been difficult for us, I don't like to assume, I like cold hard facts!! I follow other people's blogs and see that they are updated as each step is completed, and it's killing me to not know for sure what is going on. Greg wrote again this past Thursday and received a response that was a bit of a hand slap repeating that we would hear when the 2nd DNA was authorized. Through the wording of that e-mail though, I gathered that the birth certificate is still being pursued. This makes me feel very confident to say that the final adoption decree has indeed been signed and Ana is now legally our daughter! Feels good to know that little piece. I have loved our agency, they are great at answering our inquiries, we always get a prompt reply to our e-mails and our social worker is awesome. The only drawback is that their procedure is to update families when "major milestones" have been reached (1st DNA results, enter/exit PGN, 2nd DNA). Well, from the perspective of this anxious prospective adoptive parent, hearing those baby steps to the major milestones can mean the difference between a good or bad emotional day. At any rate, we have been told that travel to pick up will happen about 2 months after release from PGN. We got out of PGN on January 10th so we can expect our pick up trip to be around March 10th (only 5 weeks away!). We're still plugging away at Ana's room, I need to take the time I spend at the computer searching for information (that can't be found) and use it to make her curtains and the quilt I bought material for a couple weeks ago! I've always been known as the type to have a million unfinished projects laying around, I'm trying so hard to not be that person anymore! Anyways, time is passing slowly here, not much excitement so sorry for my blogging absence! This week I promise to do better, I'll finally post the pictures I've been promising, and maybe a surprise video or two! Come back soon!

I've been tagged!

Ana is 7 months old today

Debbie over at World of Weeks tagged me, thanks for making me sit my butt down and compose a post Debbie, it's been far too long!

There are 5 rules to being tagged:

1. The rules are to link the person who sent this and leave a comment on their blog so their readers can visit yours
2. Post the rules on your blog
3. Share 7 strange/weird facts about yourself
4. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and link their blog
5. Let each person know they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog

Okay, 7 strange/weird things about me, here we go!

1. I share a "secret language" with my family, thus the title of my blog.
2. My emotions often erupt in what has come to be termed a "Cammie". It usually starts with something stupid that I find incredibly funny (I once lost it over a button popping off my jeans). So it starts with fits of laughter, and is followed by a bawl fest. Scary to witness, but I usually feel much better after!
3. I rub my feet together when I'm falling asleep at night.
4. I am notorious for falling asleep during movies, I even fell asleep in a movie theater once!
5. I have restless leg syndrome. Growing up my mom always called it "jumpy leg", I only recently discovered it actually has a name (see number 7). We still call it "jumpy leg" it is extremely annoying and uncomfortable!!
6. I wear flip flops until it's so cold my toes turn purple, then I reluctantly don shoes
7. I'm a compulsive internet researcher (medical things, recipes, knitting patterns, yeah almost anything). Google and I have an intimate relationship...

There you have it, my weirdness on public display, now to share the love, my tagees are:

Irene over at Life Gone Wild
Mimi over at This is Mimi's Life
Michelle over at Celiac and Us
Nancy over at The Bernhardt Family
Marcia over at The Soares Family
Gail over at Johanna Faith
Kathy over at Journey to Caylee

Oh and before I go, I want to shout out a
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
to my brother-in-law Michael and to my good friend Marcia!! Hope you both have a wonderful day!! Love you guys!